only the good die young

i witnessed the saddest thing in the world today. i saw my dog, basically my sister, my companion, my confidant take her last breath. she has been sick for awhile now and today was her last. it's absolutely killing me inside. i'm so incredibly sad. i hate that people have to die. i get that its "the circle of life" and all that, but it's so painful.

the only thing keeping me going right now is knowing that you're going to be waiting at those pearly gates to welcome her home. i am so glad you two finally get to meet. i know you will take good care of her.

we are going to spread her ashes over the lake shore, her favorite fishing spot.

this is going to be so hard.

"i need light in the dark as i search for a resolution."

i'm just trying to feel feelings

so christmas was about what i expected. absolutely awful. i mean truly it probably was what i made of it, and i could have felt better about it, but i just don't. spent most of the time in a hotel room with mom... which could have been okay, except mom and i are really rocky again. i feel like she is playing all these games, trying to get attention, and she really needs help.

he and i have been through some rough patches already. i know this isn't supposed to be easy, i just don't know if it will be worth it. for now, im holding on. i just really need someone to be there for me, someone who understands me, someone who will like me for me. this is partly my fault because i will let little bits of me go, but never the whole thing. i just haven't known him long enough to trust him completely.

things have been pretty down and out lately. nothing i haven't gone through before though.
I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there.
-fade into you, mazzy star

letting it go, holding it in

so he asked me to be his girl. i couldn't say no. am i rushing into it? i don't really know. i followed my heart. that's how i live my life. i'm happy. for now, that is what is important to me. but what i am not going to rush into is the full on r.e.l.a.t.i.o.n.s.h.i.p. and he is totally fine with that. i am me. no one. NO ONE. is going to change that ever again. i love knowing that. i am not going to change anyone and i am not going to let anyone change me. if it works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't. it's life. shit happens.

he's cute. i like him a little bit. he makes me feel feelings i haven't felt in quite some time. :)

for now i'm keeping most of me safe inside myself. i'll let it out when i'm ready.

tomorrow i get to start packing boxes. t-minus 1 week til i get to officially put this whole thing behind me. i can't wait. i absolutely can't wait.

It starts in my toes makes me crinkle my nose where ever it goes i always know that you make me smile please stay for a while now just take your time where ever you go

new beginnings

if you're wondering if i want you to, (i want you to) i want you to, so make a move, cuz i aint got all night...

so. it's been awhile. i'll update. i'm moving out. out of the house. out of his life. and honestly i'm just going to say one little tiny thing about it. it is about fucking time.

i am happy. for the first time in a long time. i feel free and happy.

i am doing exactly what i want right now and loving every minute of it. i am finally starting to feel like me. and me feels really good.

there's a boy... at first i thought he was maybe just a "get over him" boy... but now i dunno, he could be something more than that. we will just have to wait and see.

Just when you think things can't get any worse, they do. But I’ve learned that life is like an hourglass. Sooner or later, everything hits rock bottom, but all you have to do is be patient and wait for something to turn it all around.

sleeplessness

when you try your best, but you don't succeed...
when you get what you want, but not what you need...
when you feel so tired, but you can't sleep...
stuck in reverse...

it's late and i'm awake. once again, thoughts consume my mind. i'm not where i'm supposed to be. something is incredibly wrong. headaches and dizzyness have consumed my days.. yet they can't find anything to be wrong with me. i guess it's just another thing i will have to live with.

nine days til my birthday. guess i'm just not so excited, don't really no why.. birthdays are supposed to be fun. my grandparents are coming to see me. i'm happy about that. i miss them a whole lot. i'm rambling... so i guess i'm out...

rewind, replay, story of my life

there's a lot that i don't know...
there's a lot that i'm still learning...
but i think i'm letting go...

i.am.about.to.break. i am sitting here and i feel like icantbreathe. i am constantly overwhelmed with everything that is going on around me. i can't fight it. i can't stop it, and it is bringing me down.

reality check

i have gained a lot of weight and i need to lose it. but yet i can't bring myself to do it and i have no idea why. i think it's became i feel t.r.a.p.p.e.d. i don't feel free. i don't feel like i can even be myself right now.

this is ridiculous. this is not happening... yet it is. this is my life right now. my tearfilled, sad, pathetic, life. i can't get a grip. i can't hang on.

no where to turn, no one to run to... i. need. help.

i'll admit it, okay... i can't do this on my own.

where am i?

i think the hardest thing about everything is the simplest answer i've ever had. i don't know how i feel. i wish that i could just figure certain things out and straight up know what i wanted. but honestly things haven't been that easy for quite awhile... i feel like i should constantly be saying i'm sorry for my actions. i have become quite a hurtful person. i have definitely lost a lot of myself in these past few months, or at least the person i thought i was. some days have always been harder than others, but lately the easy days seem to be fading away...

"sometimes it's the tiniest things that tear you apart. something you least expect, the one thing you thought you could always ignore. the thing that once had never affected you at all. it takes just one small thing. one thing to bring all the others spiraling down. sometimes, it takes nothing but a word or a few to tear you up and bring you down."

all american rejects-one more sad song
everlast-only love can break your heart
kings of leon-revelry
jack's mannequin-the resolution
the summer obsession-i'll never be happy

...sick of my fate, sick of my concentrate