day to day, feelings change

it's crazy how i just re-read my last post and it's filled with so much positivity. i don't understand how i can change from feeling so secure and happy to feeling so depressed and lonely. i don't understand why i do certain things that i do or act the way that i act. i don't understand why alcohol changes people-for good or for bad. i don't understand how people think they can't stop, how they rely on it. i'm not at all trying to be a hypocrite or judgmental-i know i've made bad decisions and have on numerous occasions drank more than i wanted to, and i'm sure it will happen again. i just don't understand why it needs to lead to all the lies and deception and ignorance. i truly do not understand it. i am venting... i feel like i just want to be happy and content with my life and the things and people around me, but it is becoming entirely too hard. it shouldn't be that way. life should be so much easier. i hate going back and forth on whether nick & i are supposed to be together. i don't think that it's healthy that i feel that way, but i do. i love the kid so much, he means everything to me, but i question it all the time. especially on nights like tonight. i can't handle the way he acts sometimes and i'm sure he can't handle the way i act sometimes either. i wish we were just happy-like one of those supportive, giggling, couples that seem to exist all around. i know things aren't always what they seem, just hoping someday i can feel 100% like i'm making the right decisions.

...here's to brighter tomorrows...

small piece of the picture

it's truly crazy how the world is the big, enormous, wondrous place and so many things are happening at once. it's crazy how my life (well anyones life) and the people in it are just a tiny little piece of this gigantic universe. it's pretty amazing to think about. this expansive existence, and everyone only gets to experience a small part of it. thinking a lot lately about taking the time to enjoy the people and things in my life. making time. trying to get the most out of my little piece of this puzzle. beginning to finally prioritize. making time for God; yearning to become stronger in my faith and a solidified christian. lots of unknowns about the next few years, but trying to embrace the present and only plan for the future. trying to make my own path and follow my goals and dreams, but being careful not to get lost in all of it. things will fall into place. there is already a plan in place which is beyond my control, He has already built this life for me and i get the joy/sorrow/excitement/happiness/thankfulness of living in it.

grace (noun): unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification; a virtue coming from God; a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace.