searching, searching, searching

am i better off dead? am i better off a quitter?

it is so incredibly frustrating that i don't know how i feel. i don't spill all of me to anyone, i just keep my feelings inside and hope things will work themselves out. i know that this is not logical, and i know i should take charge to get what i want-accomplish what i want, etc. but i don't. i just sit back and life passes. on and on and on. same old, same old. i don't think that i will ever be truly happy with anyone. i really need to be on my own-have me time, figure things out. i am hoping this summer will give me the opportunity to do that-although that is a long way away, it's nice to think about. i never thought i would say this but i miss fargo immensely. mostly the people. people here are different-always looking out for number 1 it seems. i miss having truly good friends in my life so much. < / 3

-not knowing what i'm even looking for anymore.

searching for that inner strength

so things are difficult to say the least. the hurt and the anger consume me and they are unbearable. how can people act that way, people that used to be so close, people that used to be family. b.e.t.r.a.y.e.d. i wish there way more i could do, more i could say. trying to be strong. day after day. this might be one of the hardest things i will ever have to go through, but it will make me stronger. it will make all of us stronger. praying, and praying, and praying. searching for the strong faith that i long and desire. lord give me a sign. i feel sometimes as if this is all a test. i gotta try to get past the hurt and anger and onto the l.e.t.t.i.n.g. g.o. if you can't change something, why worry about it?-much easier said than done. but i'm trying. i'm trying to be the woman i have strived to be my whole life. the woman that my grandma d. would be proud of, the woman that my parents will be proud of. the woman that is a role model for other and who doesn't let obstacles get in the way of her dreams. this is an o.b.s.t.a.c.l.e. and this too shall pass...

k.o.k.o.