i'm just trying to feel feelings

so christmas was about what i expected. absolutely awful. i mean truly it probably was what i made of it, and i could have felt better about it, but i just don't. spent most of the time in a hotel room with mom... which could have been okay, except mom and i are really rocky again. i feel like she is playing all these games, trying to get attention, and she really needs help.

he and i have been through some rough patches already. i know this isn't supposed to be easy, i just don't know if it will be worth it. for now, im holding on. i just really need someone to be there for me, someone who understands me, someone who will like me for me. this is partly my fault because i will let little bits of me go, but never the whole thing. i just haven't known him long enough to trust him completely.

things have been pretty down and out lately. nothing i haven't gone through before though.
I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there.
-fade into you, mazzy star