searching, searching, searching

am i better off dead? am i better off a quitter?

it is so incredibly frustrating that i don't know how i feel. i don't spill all of me to anyone, i just keep my feelings inside and hope things will work themselves out. i know that this is not logical, and i know i should take charge to get what i want-accomplish what i want, etc. but i don't. i just sit back and life passes. on and on and on. same old, same old. i don't think that i will ever be truly happy with anyone. i really need to be on my own-have me time, figure things out. i am hoping this summer will give me the opportunity to do that-although that is a long way away, it's nice to think about. i never thought i would say this but i miss fargo immensely. mostly the people. people here are different-always looking out for number 1 it seems. i miss having truly good friends in my life so much. < / 3

-not knowing what i'm even looking for anymore.

searching for that inner strength

so things are difficult to say the least. the hurt and the anger consume me and they are unbearable. how can people act that way, people that used to be so close, people that used to be family. b.e.t.r.a.y.e.d. i wish there way more i could do, more i could say. trying to be strong. day after day. this might be one of the hardest things i will ever have to go through, but it will make me stronger. it will make all of us stronger. praying, and praying, and praying. searching for the strong faith that i long and desire. lord give me a sign. i feel sometimes as if this is all a test. i gotta try to get past the hurt and anger and onto the l.e.t.t.i.n.g. g.o. if you can't change something, why worry about it?-much easier said than done. but i'm trying. i'm trying to be the woman i have strived to be my whole life. the woman that my grandma d. would be proud of, the woman that my parents will be proud of. the woman that is a role model for other and who doesn't let obstacles get in the way of her dreams. this is an o.b.s.t.a.c.l.e. and this too shall pass...

k.o.k.o.

between a rock and a hard place

up and down. up and down.
it's scary as hell, but i think i might be spinning out of control.
i feel like i have no one to turn to.
i don't want to seem like a pathetic, sad, girl.
but i feel like it's what i am becoming.
o.v.e.r.w.h.e.l.m.e.d.
why can't i pull it all together.
it's getting harder and harder to fake that smile.
s.t.r.e.s.s.e.d.
i don't think i have ever been so intensely stressed out.
why can't i find the motivation.
stop. rewind. hurt. tears. pain. torn away.
becoming the soundtrack to my life.
s.t.r.u.g.g.l.i.n.g.

food for thought

sometimes things are up, sometimes things are down,
no matter where you are the world keep spinning 'round.

it's amazing what you can accomplish when you put a little effort in.

day in, day out; choices.

it really is what you make of it.

sometimes you have to hurt to know you are alive.

happy, sad, good, bad, pools of emotion and i wouldn't have it any other way.

just gotta be me, everyday, finding out more and more of who "me" is and who i want "me" to be.





"sometimes this life,

i might sail away."

oar

responsibility

i just want to do it right.
i just want to know where i'm supposed to be.
i don't want to hurt.
i want to f.e.e.l. a.l.i.v.e.
i want to appreciate tomorrow.
i want to believe in myself.
i need motivation.
s.t.r.e.s.s.e.d.
i don't know how much longer i can take this.
i'm tired of pretend.
questioning everything.
back to square one.
f.a.i.l.

day in, day out

feels like the same old scene. another day of the same old, same old. can't get ahead, falling behind, every single day. i just want to be content, not even happy, i would settle for content. i just can't seem to get myself to that point no matter how hard i try. gotta keep on keeping on i guess. gotta remember that everything happens for a reason, all that babble babble, but really there is a truth to it. always gonna have memories, always gonna miss-people and things, always gonna wonder what if? i gotta find that 'happy place' the content-ness of just being myself and being okay with it.
"God, give me one shot and i'll break right through."

a new beginning

we have been together for over a month now. everything feels so right. so much better than it was before. he is truly my soul mate. i don't need anyone else. i am so incredibly happy with us.

on another note, mom is going through a hard time, it seems as if every time we get a tiny bit ahead of the game, SLAM. makes you wonder sometime why people do what they do. sad the way life can change in an instant like that, but it seems to happen a lot.

i'm just trying to k.o.k.o. and make the best of everything. can't wait for graduation and to get a place of my own. i'm so much better off that way. flyin solo.

peace out.

second chances

i have been thinking about a certain someone a ton lately. can't get him off my mind. i have all this built up hurt and pain from what we used to be, but i am also overwhelmed with good memories of us. i would like to try and see where things would go, but he isn't ready for that. i hurt him bad. i know that. i just wish i could make it better, make everything bad go away, but i can't and that's life. maybe someday we'll get a second chance. or maybe it's not meant to be at all. who knows in this crazy life.

down, down, down.

rolled my car... totaled.
lost my job.
hard to get out of bed.
hard to be friends.
sad.
sad.
sad.
hurt.
angry.
confused.
frustrated.
lost.
so lost.

pretending

i am falling. i need help. i don't know if i can take this anymore. sad. sad. sad. i don't know what to do or where to turn. tears. tears. tears. everyday is make believe. put on that "smile" and face the world. 1...2...3...

as one door closes, another one opens

i broke up with him. things just weren't working. now i sit... a.l.o.n.e. wondering if the decision i made was the right one. i hate not knowing what to do or where to turn. i just hurt. all the time. i go through the day-to-day, but i just get by.

maybe someday someone will come along and make all this pain and heartache worth it. maybe.

in your arms

last night was incredible. it is my favorite night i have spent so far wi"th him. we just talked for hours... it felt amazing.

i still feel a little unsure, and i'm not really sure why...

my last semester of school starts tomorrow. i am nervous, but excited. this semester is going to be one to remember. my girls and i=back in action.

i'm crazy unsure about what i want to do after this semester. new york... cali... the options are out there and they are endless.

"she fools all of her friends into thinking she's so strong, but she still sleeps with the light on."
-this is a call, thousand foot kruth