it's crazy how i just re-read my last post and it's filled with so much positivity. i don't understand how i can change from feeling so secure and happy to feeling so depressed and lonely. i don't understand why i do certain things that i do or act the way that i act. i don't understand why alcohol changes people-for good or for bad. i don't understand how people think they can't stop, how they rely on it. i'm not at all trying to be a hypocrite or judgmental-i know i've made bad decisions and have on numerous occasions drank more than i wanted to, and i'm sure it will happen again. i just don't understand why it needs to lead to all the lies and deception and ignorance. i truly do not understand it. i am venting... i feel like i just want to be happy and content with my life and the things and people around me, but it is becoming entirely too hard. it shouldn't be that way. life should be so much easier. i hate going back and forth on whether nick & i are supposed to be together. i don't think that it's healthy that i feel that way, but i do. i love the kid so much, he means everything to me, but i question it all the time. especially on nights like tonight. i can't handle the way he acts sometimes and i'm sure he can't handle the way i act sometimes either. i wish we were just happy-like one of those supportive, giggling, couples that seem to exist all around. i know things aren't always what they seem, just hoping someday i can feel 100% like i'm making the right decisions.
...here's to brighter tomorrows...
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